Joke's on me

She told me I was to full of myself.
I told her not to be jealous, she could also be full of me.
She said I was disgusting.
I asked, how do you think I feel?
She told me no one had ever ruined a good first impression this fast.
I said, if speed impresses you, I think we will do just fine.
She left.
That was quick.

Oh, I just got the joke.


- P -

Ouch

Who knows what you're hiding behing those stargleaming,
green wonderful eyes of yours.
Sucked me in, they did.
Shining like you know all the secrets.
And I'm lost in their implies.

What is a freak like you doing in a classy place like this, anyway?
Some kind of twisted half-funny conversation,
where I can't tell if you're joking or not.
The words that come out of this girl.
I'm actually intrigued.
She tells me about a boring boyfriend and that this right here,
can't possibly end well.
I'm sold.

Now there's a road I haven't really wandered down before.
I''ve been on some connecting streets, but never this far down.
If I had half a brain I shouldget out now.
But as the good christian boy I am,
if I'm spanked too hard, I just turn the other cheek.
I guess indulgence goes both ways.


- P -

Longest decade in years

Romance isn't enough for me anymore.
I want it to be, but romance could never live up to it self.
I've been alone for so long now, I can't take people liking me.
I don't like me, why should you?

But then, why do I fall in love with every girl giving me the slightest attention?
A smile, a look, a touch. I'm seen.

But why fall in love at all,
when I know you're gonna end up leaving me, anyway.
I'm not seen.
You can not read me like an open book,
and I'm not very good at reading out loud.
Besides, I don't want someone who can read me like an open book.
I want someone I want to open up to.

Romance is so hyped up it can't possibly last in everyday life.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.
It won't last, because I'm sure it won't last.

And after all that, this is the bottom line.


- P -

See these eyes so red

You said hello, pleased to meet you, and we went to bed.
And we didn't get out.
But I couldn't get in.

You want to let go of something.
I can feel the doubt in your kiss. And I love it.
You always seem like you want to say something, but then don't.
Break it up to look away for a while, take a breath as you begin to speak, and then we're back.
Put out the fire with gasoline, why don't you.

What a way to spend the better part of this year.
And I'm pretty sure it will be the better part.


- P -

Not the only one

Smiths and strokes, you're something else.
If flirting is an art, you sure have made a fan of me there, Pablo.

And the you went home.
Because you didn't want it to be a one night thing.
Way to hook there, Kareem.

And then you called.
Because you just wanted to say goodnight and see if I got home safely.
Way to make me a dreamer there, John.

This is going nowhere.
But for once I am looking forward to waking up in the morning.


- P -

Something in the way

A smile in the grocery line, that's all it took.
Eyes meeting and saying a shy hello, before something about my shoes really grabbed my attention. Great shoes.
Is she still looking?
Look back up.
Look back up and smile dammit!
Good morning.
Where have I been all my life?

And like that a whole relationship spanned out over the counters. I knew we were meant to be together. And we would be happy.
I could remember all the laughs we would share.

Like an infant seeing a shiny object.
And she was shiny.
And she did object.

Yeah, like I tried.


- P -

Left? That's not right.

Things are looking up, she said, as she was going down.
Honey crusted lips and auburn hair, just like in my sweetest dreams.
But what with the god damned inscents?
Maybe there really can be smoke without fire.

All of a sudden you all want to save me.
You've all been there.
You all know how I feel.
You all can help me forget.

I guess nothing makes forgetting old mistakes easier than making new ones.


- P -

Reality

It's not cheating, it's sharing.
For what it's worth the majority of the girls I've been with have done it.
Why should this be different?
I believe Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
I'm not insane.
And nothing has changed.
Well what's that saying again?
Out of sight, out of line.


- P -

Why so cynical

I was a nice guy once, I think.
How do you possibly muster up an honest interest in what other people have to say?
I'm not gonna sit here and say I've heard it all before.
It's surprising how little I have actually heard before, but still, I could not stir up an emotion.
None what so ever.
Cringe and shrink and wait for the story to be done so you can act remotely interested in what she is like as a person.
Really? That's what you choose to tell?
Of all the stories you could have, that's how you try to impress me?
Maybe I got it backwards.
Maybe you're waiting for me to impress you.

I got nothing.


- P -

Pick-me-up

I don't know where I am.
You can't pick me up if I don't know where I am.

This is not a cry for help, it's a fucking scream.
We're so hellbent on finding something real we reach out and reach out.
But end up only touching ourselves.
We all want nothing more than to feel.
Throw yourself at me just to feel alive for one stolen heartbreak of a moment.
We're on a string of broken promises and akward mornings, and for what?
Not to be comforted, not to be remembered, not to be loved.
To be seen.

Ok, I get it. Everything that has happend in your past makes for this throbing blink of seedy unseemingless, right now.
We're all damaged.
We've all got stories we could share.
But nothing would get fixed. Nothing would be solved.
Memories can't be forgotten. Nothing is ever forgotten.
Least of all promises.

The problem with self-loathing is you can't possibly conjure up any respect for the people who actually thinks good of you.

I need to be picked up, but who's gonna find me when I have no idea where I am.


- P -

Pouring

It rains for no reason now.
This is all that I want from you.
That you left the skies clear.
That you say you'll be there.
That is all I ever want from you.

And I tried to keep my head up high.
As I had nothing left to fear.
But the strains from all-might.
Would come back every night.
And I'm losing my faith down here.

Oh, can't you see.
That I'm ready to go.
Let it be known.
Oh, baby please.
It's the end of the row.
Say it is so.

It rains for no reason now.
This is all I can ask of you.
That I see the skies blue.
That I just pull through.
This is all that I can hope to do.

Oh, can't you see.
That I'm letting all go.
Just want you to know.
Oh, baby please.
Got my back at the ropes.
But that's how it goes.
It's the end of line.
And if you were still mine.
I would lay here in your arms tonight.


- P -

Silence > Words

Truth be told, it shouldn't come as a big surprise to me.
I guess you're right thinking it would be that complicated.
Still I have a feeling complicated is better than imaginary.
Might be wrong though.  Our conversations do always seem to be better when your're not around.

I was never good with hints and signals. At least not the bad ones.
But maybe not telling, tells it all, really.

All in. Bets off. Done.
New love. Old love. None.
Two out of two out of two.
I get it, I'm good and I'm through.

God, if that were true.


- P -

If it be your will

Here we are then in the rain again, you and I.
Like the beginning.
Holding cold numb hands and trying to see eachother through soaked eyes.
This would be romantic if you weren't crying so much.
This would be cute if I wasn't so ugly.

A Leonard Cohen song keep running through my head for some reason, but not the one you'd think.
They're playing our song, I say, and she looks right through me.
She's more beautiful now that she ever was.
His song finally drowns away when you ask what's left to say.
I tell you.

You can't be mad at me for speaking your mind?
How was I suppose to know that I wasn't suppose to know?
But I am sorry.
Again.
Naturally.


- P -

Parts of me

Sometimes you don't have to watch the whole movie to know how it's going to end.
Sometimes you don't have to pinch yourself to know if it's a dream.
But after all, it takes an extraordinary amount of willpower to quit while you're ahead.
The opposite, I guess, would be to keep going straight on while knowing what's afoot.
But still, ahead and afoot are just parts of this body of lies we're telling ourself.
I want the world to stop.


- P -

What's the story

Well will you look at that. Now I'm impressed. Or depressed.
Some kind of pressed. For time at least.
Coffee and cigarettes really did a number on me again.
Makes me think i should switch to the regular kind.
I don't really smoke coffee, nor do I drink cigarettes,
but I would really like some whine.

The whole pretending to sleep and hope she'll sneak out doesn't really work that well at her place.
Funny how we sleep like lovers and wake up as strangers.
Funny might not be the word I'm looking for, though.
We didn't kill any pain at all. We just put it off while it kept bottling up.
I'll take that whine now, please.

Well as the song goes, what was normal in the evening,
by the morning seems insane.
Present company included, of course.
Now that's a morning for ya.


- P -

Hush little baby

Well you wine some and you booze some, but I've had quite enough for one night, thank you.
Finally a red wine that makes up for something. It's just the right mixture of bad and sour. And I'm just as tired of me as I should be.
Misery loves company, but I just really can't stand crowds.

Well I drank all of my medicine, so I guess I should be feeling better in the morning. I could try to be positive, but when the bottle is dry the glass really is half empty. Sorry, I don't usually have this much cheese with my wine.
Oh well, what's the best that could happen.


- P -

Where's my words when I need them

She said something awfully funny and was well deserved of a great and profound reply.
Not even a great one. Profundity optional.
Come on, just give her something.

I actually rather like words. Love them even.
You can say a lot about words, but when it comes down to it, you couldn't do it without them.
But then again, like the old cliche about the police, they are never there when you need them.
I'd take more than a thousand words any day.
I don't really photograph well.


- P -

This is where it all begins

So, is this the end already?
I knew I recognized the place.
We sure got here fast enough. For someone not even trying we beat almost everyone.
And you say I'm a quitter.

So what did we learn, I ask?
What should we take away from this exceptional failure at love?

Man, I really should be writing this down.


- P -